my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
