I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
