my shit smells like andre
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Verdict: uncircumcised.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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