it's not cheating when I paid for it
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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