UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
