No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
People in love make me want to vomit
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I want to fling myself into the sun
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
