I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
