Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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