well he's currently spooning the coffee table
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
