you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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