Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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