I'm going to jail i love you
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I just googled if crying burns calories
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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