1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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