Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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