only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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