I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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