I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
