i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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