I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
