hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
