Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
