just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
porn star boner night. come get it.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Randomize
