The maid of honor just puked.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
