dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
