I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
