Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
