would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
