I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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