She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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