I'm so fucking centered right now
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
