What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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