I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
FUCK WHALES
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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