Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
