My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
