haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
