from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
