Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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