ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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