i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
