I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
