i barfeds in our rink
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
