Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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