I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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