mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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