that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
