she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
