OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
