My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
