So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
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