Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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