guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
