Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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